Covering Void

Is it funny how something broken stops feeling? – The Broken

The only emotions I contain or ever seem to feel are rage and bitterness. I cry out that life isn’t fair or people are the problem. Everyone else needs to grow up and live their lives. I’m an angry child too proud to back down when I know I’m wrong. What happened to me?

I want to blame everyone who wronged me in ways only I can formulate an understanding of. To yell at God, who made me such a low confidence, unfortunate loser. It’s not my fault. I’m the victim… in truth I’m the asshole. I’m the one who continues to sabotage relationships. Push away family. Shut myself off from the outside world. Embrace the void and pray it ends.

I am my own worst enemy. The sad part is I know it, yet I cannot beat myself. I am always one step ahead. My lofty ideas of sacrifice and compassion will forever be shrouded by pride and selfishness.

Since I was young I’ve raced towards becoming the man I am while spouting ideals that were contrary to the notion. I still believe I can be a good man, but I don’t know what catalyst I need to change. To stop the void from spreading. Darkness covers me, yet I still cling to the dimming light. It is dying though.

No Hero

When I was young, I would never have thought I’d be who I am today. In fact, my child self would probably tell me to be happy. Would probably go out of his way to try to make my day better. He did that for a lot of people. Sometimes selflessly other times hoping the girl would like him or the person would be his friend. He would have willing taking on the worlds suffering, because he cared.

But now there is me. That child has grown into a monster. Full of venom and rage. I always thought I’d be a hero, but I’m much closer to a villain, but society makes it so easy does it not? Everyone is so selfish and just pieces of shit. I look at people and they aren’t worth saving. They treat each other like crap and use whatever excuse is relevant at the time to do so.

I just lied. Stopped typing to lie to someone. Didn’t think twice. Just did it. Why? I wouldn’t have when I was younger or I would have felt a massive guilt about it. Now it is so easy and those pieces of shit I hate; I am one of them. As a kid I saw the villains and I believed they could be good. That good was greater than evil.

When we are born we are empty. Neither good nor evil. So why am I so filled with evil. I want to blame the world, but I’m not even part of this world any longer. None of it belongs to me. I belong to none of it. In fact it may be my enemy, whether I’m the hero or the villain is yet to be seen, but years ago a kid would have believed I could be the hero.

Reject

I heard something in a show. Probably watch too much shows. Actually, I know I do. I’ve spent my life hoping to be like the characters I see on tv. Popular, runny, nerdy, tough, hero, kind, romantic, a million positive characters that I’ve wanted to be, but its such a disappointment to find out I’m me.

But back to what I heard. It is that serial killers or mass murders usually go through a traumatic event, are socially awkward, and feel rejected by this world. I never knew why I felt so sad and under water until I heard that. The words just fit. REJECTED BY THIS WORLD. All I wanted to do is feel like I belonged. To feel part of the crowd.

DISCLAIMER: NOT a serial killer or mass murder. Just a reject.

Yet even when I’d start groups, plan events, or try my damnest; I’d mess it up or fade into the background. I don’t want you to think that its people’s fault its mine. I don’t fit any molds. The bullshit this world gives you about being an individual is a lie. No one wants to be different when different isn’t what everyone else wants. We want to be wanted.

When I type this out I think I’m just being stupid, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t feel like I belong and I don’t want to be here. I’m married. I have a loving family. I have friends. I have people who care about me, but I don’t want to be here. Every day is such a damn burden. It is lonely. IT IS LONELY. ALWAYS.

I feel like I’m underwater; sometimes I get a breath, but it is not enough.

Struggling

We are all struggling, but some lack the ability to struggle with others. – Robert Joseph

I used to think those who committed suicide were selfish. That they didn’t think about anyone about themselves. How could they hurt all those around them? Maybe I was wrong. When something hits close to home it opens your eyes. I think depression removes your ability to struggle with others, and how are you suppose to beat something like that.

It’s human to struggle. To fail. To break. To lose. To Hurt. To be alone, but even in loneliness there are people who know they struggle together as weird as that sounds. Yet, when someone can only struggle on their own, they get trapped in this void. If they sit still in the silence they feel it grow. When they zone out in crowd they feel it’s soft ache. You try to fill it by helping other people in their struggles, and you may think I’m crazy to think the depressed look to help others, but I do. It brings them a joy, but it’s not enough because their insatiable struggle is still there.

How can they win? First is admitting to yourself and others it exists because if you don’t it will kill you. Next, is finding help. Even if you just start by calling this number 1-800-273-8255 which is the suicide prevention hotline. You might not even be thinking about doing the act, but knowing you are not alone can mean everything.

I don’t know if there’s ever winning. Nothing seems enough. I guess that’s why it’s a void, but there will be good days. At the very least always finish today.

Man Before You

We all need a friend, but some are always needy. – Robert Joseph

You look in the eyes of the person in the front of you,

He looks back into yours too.

You feel lost and like your all alone,

This man, too, seems to be on his own.

You ask him, “Why love never seems to stay.”

He doesn’t respond just miserably looks away.

You tell him you feel misery and pain,

When all your strength for love is in vain.

Still no answer.

Tears show in his lonely blue eyes,

Like he lost the star shining in his night sky.

You tell him a girl causes you pain tonight,

How, for some stupid reason, without her nothing seems right.

The tears in his eyes push out,

Is this, too, what his pain is about?

You take a deep breath and again begin to speak,

“She made me feel so strong, but now so weak.

Do you know what it’s like to have no hope with a girl like this?”

You know he does when whiteness fills both his fists,

And one lonely tear rolls down his face.

His eyes look lost and empty as space.

The tears just begin streaming from his eyes,

You realize you, too, have started to cry.

You try to comfort him and yourself,

You say, “If we become friends maybe it won’t hurt worse than anything else.”

He bitterly and doubtfully laughs about what was just said,

You, too, feel great doubt in your head.

You now realize the man that stands before you,

Is just a mirror, a reflection you wish wasn’t true,

Because the man in the mirror is you.

Nights are the Worst

Feelings we get at night,

Make us beg for mornings light.

For life is the nightmare it seems,

And the false escape would be a dream.

Before we shut our eyes, life can be too much to bear,

But then in our dreams everything we want is there.

Than we awake to what is real.

We awake to what we really feel.

The silence heard during the day,

Makes us plead for yesterday.

Makes us want that one in the past.

That one, that left and didn’t last,

But this is too much to ask.

So we live in dark during the day.

Waiting for hope to come our way,

And though in the day we walk in the sun.

In our soul from the darkness we run.

Through the feelings and silence of day and night,

You know what you think in the dark is right.

That the emptiness felt in your soul,

Cries for one to make it whole.

For you feel a void that lies ahead,

That makes questions run circles in your head.

A void, that grows in the silence of time.

One that reminds you being alone isn’t fine.

One that screams through the silent night,

Yelling how you feel right now isn’t right!

—

But you will lie there again tomorrow,

Trapped in the darkness of your sorrow.

Death’s Parade(Part two)

With that said, the parade came to a stop,

Because Death now knows someone still has a heart.

A heart, that in the dying streets did not rot,

And that fear could not tear apart.

As I looked all around,

I saw the marching skeletons fall to pieces on the ground.

No more did I hear the soft moans or the low sounds,

Or see the crowd’s faces aglow with frowns.

So I grabbed the hand of my dear,

And said we now may freely leave here.

As I started to to lead her ahead,

A noise arose from what was left of the marching dead,

Even from the broken, tortured souls.

Who started appearing from the dim-lit alleys and holes

At first, It was almost impossible to hear,

Then it became quite clear,

They were giving us a cheer.

Then I noticed Death, this town’s abuser, had disappeared.

Finally, as we walked to the end of the street,

We could feel new life in the drums under our feet.

With their now deafening beat,

They sounded the victory in Death’s defeat.

For the first time, I heard the tortured soul’s trumpets blow.

Because with me, Death’s rein of sorrow and sadness would go.

Even with all this noise around me,

Only the girl standing beside me could I see.

For everything else had been a blur,

Because the only reason I had ever came here, was for her.

Death Parade(Part one)

You tell me that your always afraid,

But that seems to be Death’s fearful parade.

It marches through your veins,

Filling these streets with pain.

The bands all marching down,

The crowd faces all aglow with frowns.

You wonder why you still try,

When everyday you seem to want to die.

I will take you by the hand,

And pull you through all the dying bands.

With their music played so low,

Making your heart beat so slow–

We will climb right over all the broken down floats,

And run around all the marching skeletons in red coats.

We don’t have to worry about it being that loud,

Because all we hear is the soft moan of this dying crowd.

We now see Death tossing guns and knives,

So that these tortured souls may take their lives.

I can tell you want this too,

But I’ll tighten my hold on you.

Because I see the end of this nightmare parade,

And soon you won’t have to be afraid.

Carelessly, you look up at Death’s scarred up face,

And it makes you stop your quickened pace.

I look back at you,

And I know you don’t have the strength to make it through.

So I turn, grab you, and hold you tight,

turn you head away from Death’s hopeless sight.

And I whisper in your ear,

“Please lay aside all your fear,

I’ll keep you safe as long as I’m here,

I’ll carry you to the end, if I have to my dear”

Underwater

Lately, I’d describe my life as underwater. At most times I feel like everything is heavy, but there’s moments when I can breathe and see the light. Where joy isn’t sought, but found, and the loneliness is quenched. Then I sink or should I say think, either is accurate. My thoughts are heavy, they have been since I was young, and they slowly drag me deeper. At times, I can bear the weight and tread the water. Ignore the depths below. That was until I lost him.

Einstein. He wasn’t someone, he was the one who brightened up the worst days. A life line to hold myself above the water. It has been seven months, and I still can’t breathe and the weights are unbearable. Time is filled by space. Space that perpetuates upon itself stretching out into infinity that I can’t find a way or a reason to fill, yet I know if he were here it would be filled.

So what is this page you have stumbled upon. Ramblings? Musings? Bitching? Maybe a bit of everything.

Thanks for joining me. Stay if you need; leave if it’s all the same.

Love doesn’t suck; the loss of it does. – Me

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