L.O.V.E and Y.O.U

I want to write a poem about a word, maybe two,

The first word would be love and the second you.

Together they form a thought,

But separate they both complete my heart.

Love such a funny idea,

Giving trust, and laying aside fear.

Yeah it’s a word so many work up the courage to say,

Most the time it’s an imitation they give away.

Lets spell love out, L,

Stands for lasting anything else is hell,

Moving on to the endless O,

Oneness is what two should know.

Then the awkward shaped V.

It’s being vulnerable for your one to see.

At the end we have the E.

Endless is it’s only meaning.

It goes far beyond the you and me.

No force can stop it’s intervening.

You is a word I cannot spell,

I try, but I’ve lost my right too.

To put it so close to love is hell.

Because my love continuous seeks you,

But they are separate and alone.

Love waits for you to come back home.

Timed Focused

Timed Focused

06/01/2020

Life is a vacant space,

Go ahead and focus on the past,

Soon the future you will erase.

The present is all that truly lasts.

Ceiling

Ceiling

06/03/2020

The black ceiling calls,

The silence aborbs all.

The thoughts are just dying,

But that black ceiling is memorizing.

In it you see a future you desire,

Now all burned up in greed’s fire.

There’s even smiles of the past,

But now they aren’t around, they didn’t last.

The gray ceiling begins to bloom,

This bed begins to feel like a tomb.

“You’re alone,” your mind repeats,

It’s reconfirmed as your heart alone beats.

The gray isn’t the black,

But doesn’t mean it stops you from wanting to go back.

How do you step forwards from this place?

So much is lost. So much more to face.

But then the white ceiling arrives.

Night is over. You survived.

Being alone can be, being strong.

The past may be full of hurts and wrongs.

But the present, it is a gift.

Time to heal and the wrongs to lift.

No matter how long the black,

Or the gray that always comes back.

The white will always come with the sun.

A reminder the despair hasn’t won.

Your Heart

Your Heart

06/16/2020

Touch my chest, in it you’ll find a rhythm that moves to you,

It slows when you meet my eyes, and stops when you leave.

It thomps and hurts with an unending pain with what I put you through.

But it never stops completely because in us it still believes.

Though it’s too weak to move my legs, and I just sit.

Though It’s not strong enough to pull my eyes away from the end of the street,

It is still too stubborn to not hope in you. Too focused to quit.

It beats, and it beats never letting me stop wishing for a chance to meet.

Touch my chest. Feel it. It is yours. It is your heart.

Near, together, embraced, close, held, or apart.

No Hero

When I was young, I would never have thought I’d be who I am today. In fact, my child self would probably tell me to be happy. Would probably go out of his way to try to make my day better. He did that for a lot of people. Sometimes selflessly other times hoping the girl would like him or the person would be his friend. He would have willing taking on the worlds suffering, because he cared.

But now there is me. That child has grown into a monster. Full of venom and rage. I always thought I’d be a hero, but I’m much closer to a villain, but society makes it so easy does it not? Everyone is so selfish and just pieces of shit. I look at people and they aren’t worth saving. They treat each other like crap and use whatever excuse is relevant at the time to do so.

I just lied. Stopped typing to lie to someone. Didn’t think twice. Just did it. Why? I wouldn’t have when I was younger or I would have felt a massive guilt about it. Now it is so easy and those pieces of shit I hate; I am one of them. As a kid I saw the villains and I believed they could be good. That good was greater than evil.

When we are born we are empty. Neither good nor evil. So why am I so filled with evil. I want to blame the world, but I’m not even part of this world any longer. None of it belongs to me. I belong to none of it. In fact it may be my enemy, whether I’m the hero or the villain is yet to be seen, but years ago a kid would have believed I could be the hero.

Struggling

We are all struggling, but some lack the ability to struggle with others. – Robert Joseph

I used to think those who committed suicide were selfish. That they didn’t think about anyone about themselves. How could they hurt all those around them? Maybe I was wrong. When something hits close to home it opens your eyes. I think depression removes your ability to struggle with others, and how are you suppose to beat something like that.

It’s human to struggle. To fail. To break. To lose. To Hurt. To be alone, but even in loneliness there are people who know they struggle together as weird as that sounds. Yet, when someone can only struggle on their own, they get trapped in this void. If they sit still in the silence they feel it grow. When they zone out in crowd they feel it’s soft ache. You try to fill it by helping other people in their struggles, and you may think I’m crazy to think the depressed look to help others, but I do. It brings them a joy, but it’s not enough because their insatiable struggle is still there.

How can they win? First is admitting to yourself and others it exists because if you don’t it will kill you. Next, is finding help. Even if you just start by calling this number 1-800-273-8255 which is the suicide prevention hotline. You might not even be thinking about doing the act, but knowing you are not alone can mean everything.

I don’t know if there’s ever winning. Nothing seems enough. I guess that’s why it’s a void, but there will be good days. At the very least always finish today.

Reaching

I play this game when there is something I desperately want. I look the other way. I try to pretend it doesn’t exist. I focus on anything I can to not think about the thing I want. I do this because when I want something, I obsess over it, and before long whatever I wanted is gone. It fades away out of reach, and my life is back to being just me.

This can’t be a feeling mutually exclusive to me. I know there must be others who find when they focus on a desire it disappears, but what is the solution. Never truly care about anything? Feign engaging? Wouldn’t that just lead to more loneliness. If you are anything like me, the loneliness reaches a point where it is not bearable. Humans need connections. My soul is wired to want the connections that want me the least. In that moment, when I try to focus on anything else, everything, but the thing I want, becomes joyless; tasteless; meaningless; just not enough. The people in my life notice, but their cries for my attention go ignored.

I never said I was a good person. In fact, I would venture to say I’m a terrible person to those that love me. The exception was always Einstein. Even when I was reaching for the one thing I wanted, I never lost sight of him, but his story is still not one I am ready to write. This is about reaching. About desire. I think some people, like myself, are wired with such an intense wanting that there is no solution. We are the ones cursed to worry about wanting anything because it means such an intense loss that our own minds cannot begin to fathom. How does one become so attached so quickly. I have no words of wisdom or encouragement. This was just to see if there is others like me, and to let others know there is people like them.

If you are lost in a crowd, you are not alone. – Robert Joseph

The Wait

Read.

Seen.

Opened.

They are all a partial answer, but the reply is the full truth. Whether that someone is going to respond to keep the conversation going or find out more about you is what you await. What do we fear in this truth? A brief response, or worse no response. What do we hope for? Questions that show interest in us or just jovial conversation. The fear or hope decides whether it was worth the wait.

Read.

Seen.

Opened.

Forget them all. Read a book. See a movie. Open yourself up. Don’t let the wait control you. You can control your wait. That is the truth.

A day off

Long hours and slow minutes make for a mediocre day. You work your life away for a day off, but when it comes there is nothing to look forwards to. The games aren’t enough, the shows not adequate anymore, and the only company is the silence. A lonely ever coming silence. Your texts are left hanging. Conversations over before they have begun. Refreshing the page doesn’t give you anymore likes or love, but rather assurance that you are, without doubt, alone. You dream of a day off only to live the nightmare it brings. There is no joy in this loneliness.

Solitude. Stifling solitude. Strangling, suffocating solitude. Shocking, startling, savage solitude. The walls begin to close and the noise of the outside world is a distant thing that you want to be a part of, but people scare you. You scares you. When did making conversation become pointless, and companionship taxing. Has living a life always been this hard? Have thoughts always been this heavy?

Give it a rest. No one is listening. You’re just talking to yourself again and the argument is always the same. You can see the future. The one you desire in your mind. The person you want to be, but we know it’s a lie. A truth without truth. A wish of who you are, but who you will never be. Just sit there. Unsatisfied and unhappy waiting for something. Thinking of someone. Hoping for dramatic change. Soon work will be here again, and the desire for a day off will be back. The loneliness to follow.

If we are meant to struggle alone; we will do it together. – The companion within

Obsessive

Obsession; An idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind.

I don’t think it’s any secret that we all want to be loved, but I think the truth is that we want to choose the people who love us. The curious cycle of it all, is that the people we want to love us don’t always, and we ,as people, don’t love the ones who desire our love in the same way. I can think of many people I’ve let down chasing after a hopeless love. The tears and bitterness I caused them, that I was so often aware of. Some people love hard and desire to show that love constantly. Admiration gives the feelings flight, but in time, admiration is replaced by annoyance, and the feeling that gave you wings takes them away. In that moment, one never feels more alone and hopeless.

Gray Wrecked Plane Photography

I can remember the first time I was obsessive over someone. I was young and my friend would have rather played with my brother than me. The truth of the matter is that the three of us could have played and nothing would have changed, but it wasn’t good enough for me. I needed the validation that having a friend gave, and to see him choose to play with my brother made me angry and hurt. Since then I’ve never dealt with people well. I get close to someone fast, and the more I seek that closeness the more they pull away. The lie of my life is that it is spent alone. The truth is I’m surrounded by people that care, just not the ones I chose.

Free stock photo of people, friends, men, sitting

Is that fair to the ones who fought to stay in my life? I know the answer. Maybe in the end I reap what I sow. We don’t choose the ones who love us, and in the end that’s the hardest truth to face.

Silhouette Photo of Man Leaning on Heart Leaf Shape Tree during Dawn