Timed Focused

Timed Focused

06/01/2020

Life is a vacant space,

Go ahead and focus on the past,

Soon the future you will erase.

The present is all that truly lasts.

Ceiling

Ceiling

06/03/2020

The black ceiling calls,

The silence aborbs all.

The thoughts are just dying,

But that black ceiling is memorizing.

In it you see a future you desire,

Now all burned up in greed’s fire.

There’s even smiles of the past,

But now they aren’t around, they didn’t last.

The gray ceiling begins to bloom,

This bed begins to feel like a tomb.

“You’re alone,” your mind repeats,

It’s reconfirmed as your heart alone beats.

The gray isn’t the black,

But doesn’t mean it stops you from wanting to go back.

How do you step forwards from this place?

So much is lost. So much more to face.

But then the white ceiling arrives.

Night is over. You survived.

Being alone can be, being strong.

The past may be full of hurts and wrongs.

But the present, it is a gift.

Time to heal and the wrongs to lift.

No matter how long the black,

Or the gray that always comes back.

The white will always come with the sun.

A reminder the despair hasn’t won.

Your Heart

Your Heart

06/16/2020

Touch my chest, in it you’ll find a rhythm that moves to you,

It slows when you meet my eyes, and stops when you leave.

It thomps and hurts with an unending pain with what I put you through.

But it never stops completely because in us it still believes.

Though it’s too weak to move my legs, and I just sit.

Though It’s not strong enough to pull my eyes away from the end of the street,

It is still too stubborn to not hope in you. Too focused to quit.

It beats, and it beats never letting me stop wishing for a chance to meet.

Touch my chest. Feel it. It is yours. It is your heart.

Near, together, embraced, close, held, or apart.

My Eyes

My Eyes

07/08/2020

My eye’s are bluest when I cry,

They are the darkest when I lie.

If you want to see them shine,

Just say you want to be mine.

My eye’s have strayed so much from you,

It’s undone our marriage, it’s true.

Now no one else can they view.

Can’t be another girl, it’s you.

I wish at times they were blind,

But no rest from your image I’d find.

You are etched in my mind.

An angel of love and light

I could never forget, try as I might.

So if you see my eye’s tonight.

They glow their bluest blue,

Because they ever search for you.

Covering Void

Is it funny how something broken stops feeling? – The Broken

The only emotions I contain or ever seem to feel are rage and bitterness. I cry out that life isn’t fair or people are the problem. Everyone else needs to grow up and live their lives. I’m an angry child too proud to back down when I know I’m wrong. What happened to me?

I want to blame everyone who wronged me in ways only I can formulate an understanding of. To yell at God, who made me such a low confidence, unfortunate loser. It’s not my fault. I’m the victim… in truth I’m the asshole. I’m the one who continues to sabotage relationships. Push away family. Shut myself off from the outside world. Embrace the void and pray it ends.

I am my own worst enemy. The sad part is I know it, yet I cannot beat myself. I am always one step ahead. My lofty ideas of sacrifice and compassion will forever be shrouded by pride and selfishness.

Since I was young I’ve raced towards becoming the man I am while spouting ideals that were contrary to the notion. I still believe I can be a good man, but I don’t know what catalyst I need to change. To stop the void from spreading. Darkness covers me, yet I still cling to the dimming light. It is dying though.

No Hero

When I was young, I would never have thought I’d be who I am today. In fact, my child self would probably tell me to be happy. Would probably go out of his way to try to make my day better. He did that for a lot of people. Sometimes selflessly other times hoping the girl would like him or the person would be his friend. He would have willing taking on the worlds suffering, because he cared.

But now there is me. That child has grown into a monster. Full of venom and rage. I always thought I’d be a hero, but I’m much closer to a villain, but society makes it so easy does it not? Everyone is so selfish and just pieces of shit. I look at people and they aren’t worth saving. They treat each other like crap and use whatever excuse is relevant at the time to do so.

I just lied. Stopped typing to lie to someone. Didn’t think twice. Just did it. Why? I wouldn’t have when I was younger or I would have felt a massive guilt about it. Now it is so easy and those pieces of shit I hate; I am one of them. As a kid I saw the villains and I believed they could be good. That good was greater than evil.

When we are born we are empty. Neither good nor evil. So why am I so filled with evil. I want to blame the world, but I’m not even part of this world any longer. None of it belongs to me. I belong to none of it. In fact it may be my enemy, whether I’m the hero or the villain is yet to be seen, but years ago a kid would have believed I could be the hero.

A Poem About a Monster

(Strong Language and graphic)

It’s a cold silence that fills this room.

One that seeps inside my soul

With a weight no mortal should assume,

But it effortlessly swallows me whole.

I sit in the darkness of my mind and cry.

For a life that is as true as a lie.

I’m not happy. I’m not okay,

But round and round this game I play.

Don’t give a fuck. Hold back a care.

Look at all the people who aren’t there.

But that is the lie. People are there.

I’m the one who doesn’t care.

A piece of living breathing shit.

That’s compiled of corn, meat, and spit.

When I walk around, I leave this stinking trail.

Sucking sounds as each foot lifts.

Always growing quieter, as I turn tail.

Hoping no one ever catches a whiff.

For I’m the bullshit monster.

Soggy with piss instead of covered with fur.

I haunt those close to me.

Fucking up their lives and who they want me to be.

I write stuff so people will see,

I’m self-loathing, please feel bad for me.

This fecal line I craftily spin,

Is just another way my victims let me in.

I’m the bullshit monster.

Be careful how close you wander.

Man Before You

We all need a friend, but some are always needy. – Robert Joseph

You look in the eyes of the person in the front of you,

He looks back into yours too.

You feel lost and like your all alone,

This man, too, seems to be on his own.

You ask him, “Why love never seems to stay.”

He doesn’t respond just miserably looks away.

You tell him you feel misery and pain,

When all your strength for love is in vain.

Still no answer.

Tears show in his lonely blue eyes,

Like he lost the star shining in his night sky.

You tell him a girl causes you pain tonight,

How, for some stupid reason, without her nothing seems right.

The tears in his eyes push out,

Is this, too, what his pain is about?

You take a deep breath and again begin to speak,

“She made me feel so strong, but now so weak.

Do you know what it’s like to have no hope with a girl like this?”

You know he does when whiteness fills both his fists,

And one lonely tear rolls down his face.

His eyes look lost and empty as space.

The tears just begin streaming from his eyes,

You realize you, too, have started to cry.

You try to comfort him and yourself,

You say, “If we become friends maybe it won’t hurt worse than anything else.”

He bitterly and doubtfully laughs about what was just said,

You, too, feel great doubt in your head.

You now realize the man that stands before you,

Is just a mirror, a reflection you wish wasn’t true,

Because the man in the mirror is you.

Nights are the Worst

Feelings we get at night,

Make us beg for mornings light.

For life is the nightmare it seems,

And the false escape would be a dream.

Before we shut our eyes, life can be too much to bear,

But then in our dreams everything we want is there.

Than we awake to what is real.

We awake to what we really feel.

The silence heard during the day,

Makes us plead for yesterday.

Makes us want that one in the past.

That one, that left and didn’t last,

But this is too much to ask.

So we live in dark during the day.

Waiting for hope to come our way,

And though in the day we walk in the sun.

In our soul from the darkness we run.

Through the feelings and silence of day and night,

You know what you think in the dark is right.

That the emptiness felt in your soul,

Cries for one to make it whole.

For you feel a void that lies ahead,

That makes questions run circles in your head.

A void, that grows in the silence of time.

One that reminds you being alone isn’t fine.

One that screams through the silent night,

Yelling how you feel right now isn’t right!

—

But you will lie there again tomorrow,

Trapped in the darkness of your sorrow.