Struggling

We are all struggling, but some lack the ability to struggle with others. – Robert Joseph

I used to think those who committed suicide were selfish. That they didn’t think about anyone about themselves. How could they hurt all those around them? Maybe I was wrong. When something hits close to home it opens your eyes. I think depression removes your ability to struggle with others, and how are you suppose to beat something like that.

It’s human to struggle. To fail. To break. To lose. To Hurt. To be alone, but even in loneliness there are people who know they struggle together as weird as that sounds. Yet, when someone can only struggle on their own, they get trapped in this void. If they sit still in the silence they feel it grow. When they zone out in crowd they feel it’s soft ache. You try to fill it by helping other people in their struggles, and you may think I’m crazy to think the depressed look to help others, but I do. It brings them a joy, but it’s not enough because their insatiable struggle is still there.

How can they win? First is admitting to yourself and others it exists because if you don’t it will kill you. Next, is finding help. Even if you just start by calling this number 1-800-273-8255 which is the suicide prevention hotline. You might not even be thinking about doing the act, but knowing you are not alone can mean everything.

I don’t know if there’s ever winning. Nothing seems enough. I guess that’s why it’s a void, but there will be good days. At the very least always finish today.

Reaching

I play this game when there is something I desperately want. I look the other way. I try to pretend it doesn’t exist. I focus on anything I can to not think about the thing I want. I do this because when I want something, I obsess over it, and before long whatever I wanted is gone. It fades away out of reach, and my life is back to being just me.

This can’t be a feeling mutually exclusive to me. I know there must be others who find when they focus on a desire it disappears, but what is the solution. Never truly care about anything? Feign engaging? Wouldn’t that just lead to more loneliness. If you are anything like me, the loneliness reaches a point where it is not bearable. Humans need connections. My soul is wired to want the connections that want me the least. In that moment, when I try to focus on anything else, everything, but the thing I want, becomes joyless; tasteless; meaningless; just not enough. The people in my life notice, but their cries for my attention go ignored.

I never said I was a good person. In fact, I would venture to say I’m a terrible person to those that love me. The exception was always Einstein. Even when I was reaching for the one thing I wanted, I never lost sight of him, but his story is still not one I am ready to write. This is about reaching. About desire. I think some people, like myself, are wired with such an intense wanting that there is no solution. We are the ones cursed to worry about wanting anything because it means such an intense loss that our own minds cannot begin to fathom. How does one become so attached so quickly. I have no words of wisdom or encouragement. This was just to see if there is others like me, and to let others know there is people like them.

If you are lost in a crowd, you are not alone. – Robert Joseph

A day off

Long hours and slow minutes make for a mediocre day. You work your life away for a day off, but when it comes there is nothing to look forwards to. The games aren’t enough, the shows not adequate anymore, and the only company is the silence. A lonely ever coming silence. Your texts are left hanging. Conversations over before they have begun. Refreshing the page doesn’t give you anymore likes or love, but rather assurance that you are, without doubt, alone. You dream of a day off only to live the nightmare it brings. There is no joy in this loneliness.

Solitude. Stifling solitude. Strangling, suffocating solitude. Shocking, startling, savage solitude. The walls begin to close and the noise of the outside world is a distant thing that you want to be a part of, but people scare you. You scares you. When did making conversation become pointless, and companionship taxing. Has living a life always been this hard? Have thoughts always been this heavy?

Give it a rest. No one is listening. You’re just talking to yourself again and the argument is always the same. You can see the future. The one you desire in your mind. The person you want to be, but we know it’s a lie. A truth without truth. A wish of who you are, but who you will never be. Just sit there. Unsatisfied and unhappy waiting for something. Thinking of someone. Hoping for dramatic change. Soon work will be here again, and the desire for a day off will be back. The loneliness to follow.

If we are meant to struggle alone; we will do it together. – The companion within