Ceiling

Ceiling

06/03/2020

The black ceiling calls,

The silence aborbs all.

The thoughts are just dying,

But that black ceiling is memorizing.

In it you see a future you desire,

Now all burned up in greed’s fire.

There’s even smiles of the past,

But now they aren’t around, they didn’t last.

The gray ceiling begins to bloom,

This bed begins to feel like a tomb.

“You’re alone,” your mind repeats,

It’s reconfirmed as your heart alone beats.

The gray isn’t the black,

But doesn’t mean it stops you from wanting to go back.

How do you step forwards from this place?

So much is lost. So much more to face.

But then the white ceiling arrives.

Night is over. You survived.

Being alone can be, being strong.

The past may be full of hurts and wrongs.

But the present, it is a gift.

Time to heal and the wrongs to lift.

No matter how long the black,

Or the gray that always comes back.

The white will always come with the sun.

A reminder the despair hasn’t won.

Your Heart

Your Heart

06/16/2020

Touch my chest, in it you’ll find a rhythm that moves to you,

It slows when you meet my eyes, and stops when you leave.

It thomps and hurts with an unending pain with what I put you through.

But it never stops completely because in us it still believes.

Though it’s too weak to move my legs, and I just sit.

Though It’s not strong enough to pull my eyes away from the end of the street,

It is still too stubborn to not hope in you. Too focused to quit.

It beats, and it beats never letting me stop wishing for a chance to meet.

Touch my chest. Feel it. It is yours. It is your heart.

Near, together, embraced, close, held, or apart.

My Eyes

My Eyes

07/08/2020

My eye’s are bluest when I cry,

They are the darkest when I lie.

If you want to see them shine,

Just say you want to be mine.

My eye’s have strayed so much from you,

It’s undone our marriage, it’s true.

Now no one else can they view.

Can’t be another girl, it’s you.

I wish at times they were blind,

But no rest from your image I’d find.

You are etched in my mind.

An angel of love and light

I could never forget, try as I might.

So if you see my eye’s tonight.

They glow their bluest blue,

Because they ever search for you.

Covering Void

Is it funny how something broken stops feeling? – The Broken

The only emotions I contain or ever seem to feel are rage and bitterness. I cry out that life isn’t fair or people are the problem. Everyone else needs to grow up and live their lives. I’m an angry child too proud to back down when I know I’m wrong. What happened to me?

I want to blame everyone who wronged me in ways only I can formulate an understanding of. To yell at God, who made me such a low confidence, unfortunate loser. It’s not my fault. I’m the victim… in truth I’m the asshole. I’m the one who continues to sabotage relationships. Push away family. Shut myself off from the outside world. Embrace the void and pray it ends.

I am my own worst enemy. The sad part is I know it, yet I cannot beat myself. I am always one step ahead. My lofty ideas of sacrifice and compassion will forever be shrouded by pride and selfishness.

Since I was young I’ve raced towards becoming the man I am while spouting ideals that were contrary to the notion. I still believe I can be a good man, but I don’t know what catalyst I need to change. To stop the void from spreading. Darkness covers me, yet I still cling to the dimming light. It is dying though.

No Hero

When I was young, I would never have thought I’d be who I am today. In fact, my child self would probably tell me to be happy. Would probably go out of his way to try to make my day better. He did that for a lot of people. Sometimes selflessly other times hoping the girl would like him or the person would be his friend. He would have willing taking on the worlds suffering, because he cared.

But now there is me. That child has grown into a monster. Full of venom and rage. I always thought I’d be a hero, but I’m much closer to a villain, but society makes it so easy does it not? Everyone is so selfish and just pieces of shit. I look at people and they aren’t worth saving. They treat each other like crap and use whatever excuse is relevant at the time to do so.

I just lied. Stopped typing to lie to someone. Didn’t think twice. Just did it. Why? I wouldn’t have when I was younger or I would have felt a massive guilt about it. Now it is so easy and those pieces of shit I hate; I am one of them. As a kid I saw the villains and I believed they could be good. That good was greater than evil.

When we are born we are empty. Neither good nor evil. So why am I so filled with evil. I want to blame the world, but I’m not even part of this world any longer. None of it belongs to me. I belong to none of it. In fact it may be my enemy, whether I’m the hero or the villain is yet to be seen, but years ago a kid would have believed I could be the hero.

Reject

I heard something in a show. Probably watch too much shows. Actually, I know I do. I’ve spent my life hoping to be like the characters I see on tv. Popular, runny, nerdy, tough, hero, kind, romantic, a million positive characters that I’ve wanted to be, but its such a disappointment to find out I’m me.

But back to what I heard. It is that serial killers or mass murders usually go through a traumatic event, are socially awkward, and feel rejected by this world. I never knew why I felt so sad and under water until I heard that. The words just fit. REJECTED BY THIS WORLD. All I wanted to do is feel like I belonged. To feel part of the crowd.

DISCLAIMER: NOT a serial killer or mass murder. Just a reject.

Yet even when I’d start groups, plan events, or try my damnest; I’d mess it up or fade into the background. I don’t want you to think that its people’s fault its mine. I don’t fit any molds. The bullshit this world gives you about being an individual is a lie. No one wants to be different when different isn’t what everyone else wants. We want to be wanted.

When I type this out I think I’m just being stupid, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t feel like I belong and I don’t want to be here. I’m married. I have a loving family. I have friends. I have people who care about me, but I don’t want to be here. Every day is such a damn burden. It is lonely. IT IS LONELY. ALWAYS.

I feel like I’m underwater; sometimes I get a breath, but it is not enough.

I Disappeared

For all those, as few as you are, that enjoyed or at the very least read my first posts, Thank you.

I stopped writing. Never told you all the reasons why I started. I shared some about someone I loved very much who had passed. It was my dog. Maybe some scoff or think I’m stupid, but he was always there for me. I wasn’t popular and I lacked confidence. I was never invited to parties, and in a crowd I felt alone. Puppy never let me feel alone.

I thought I had years left with him. He was 13, I should have known it was unlikely. His health declined fast. Way too fast. I spent lunches away from work holding him. Hoping he’d make a recovery. In the end, I had to put my best friend down. My felt like it physically ripped in two. Feeling has always been hard for me, but that was enough sorrow for a lifetime.

My dog was my protector. He couldn’t have actually saved me from anything, but if he was sitting with me no one could come near. There was never any doubt that he loved anyone more than me. How could you ever be so lucky to have someone love you that much. 2018 was rough because of that and so much more. So much loss, but I could have taken all the other stuff if I didn’t lose him.

It’s been over a year now. There’s still a hole. I miss you Pup Pup.

Dreaming

I’ve been someone before. People knew my name and I was important.

In the shadow of the night people raged against the darkness screaming my name. Loving my face and the presence of me stilled their fears. I was a hero. I was a villain. I was evil, and I was god, but then I was dead.

I was a killer. I was a savior. I sought my darkest fantasies, and I learned how to cure cancer.

I became successful. I lost my soul. I was homeless, and found the meaning of life is not in possessions.

I ran never tiring, and at other times, I ran and didn’t move.

I’ve lost my mind screaming into the night. Yelling for someone; anyone to take the pain so I could not end it all. I’ve lost my mind hollering the name of the love of my life; praising the joy I’ve finally.

In the end I was always dreaming.

A Poem About a Monster

(Strong Language and graphic)

It’s a cold silence that fills this room.

One that seeps inside my soul

With a weight no mortal should assume,

But it effortlessly swallows me whole.

I sit in the darkness of my mind and cry.

For a life that is as true as a lie.

I’m not happy. I’m not okay,

But round and round this game I play.

Don’t give a fuck. Hold back a care.

Look at all the people who aren’t there.

But that is the lie. People are there.

I’m the one who doesn’t care.

A piece of living breathing shit.

That’s compiled of corn, meat, and spit.

When I walk around, I leave this stinking trail.

Sucking sounds as each foot lifts.

Always growing quieter, as I turn tail.

Hoping no one ever catches a whiff.

For I’m the bullshit monster.

Soggy with piss instead of covered with fur.

I haunt those close to me.

Fucking up their lives and who they want me to be.

I write stuff so people will see,

I’m self-loathing, please feel bad for me.

This fecal line I craftily spin,

Is just another way my victims let me in.

I’m the bullshit monster.

Be careful how close you wander.

Man Before You

We all need a friend, but some are always needy. – Robert Joseph

You look in the eyes of the person in the front of you,

He looks back into yours too.

You feel lost and like your all alone,

This man, too, seems to be on his own.

You ask him, “Why love never seems to stay.”

He doesn’t respond just miserably looks away.

You tell him you feel misery and pain,

When all your strength for love is in vain.

Still no answer.

Tears show in his lonely blue eyes,

Like he lost the star shining in his night sky.

You tell him a girl causes you pain tonight,

How, for some stupid reason, without her nothing seems right.

The tears in his eyes push out,

Is this, too, what his pain is about?

You take a deep breath and again begin to speak,

“She made me feel so strong, but now so weak.

Do you know what it’s like to have no hope with a girl like this?”

You know he does when whiteness fills both his fists,

And one lonely tear rolls down his face.

His eyes look lost and empty as space.

The tears just begin streaming from his eyes,

You realize you, too, have started to cry.

You try to comfort him and yourself,

You say, “If we become friends maybe it won’t hurt worse than anything else.”

He bitterly and doubtfully laughs about what was just said,

You, too, feel great doubt in your head.

You now realize the man that stands before you,

Is just a mirror, a reflection you wish wasn’t true,

Because the man in the mirror is you.